• I will make the commitment to spend 45 minutes in church every Sunday. I will give you, the pastor, free rein to experiment with the liturgy, as long as the results do not make me personally uncomfortable, and the Mass does not continue beyond the allotted time. I will maintain a respectful silence during your homily, provided that you keep it short.

• I will contribute a few dollars to the parish each week. I will even volunteer occasionally to work at the Bingo night, or to set up the parish bazaar.

• If I am married, I will remain married to the same spouse—unless that becomes terribly inconvenient. I expect that you will recognize this good-faith commitment, and if the marriage fails you will help me obtain an annulment. If I am unmarried, I will not call undue attention to my live-in partner(s). In return I expect that you will not raise uncomfortable questions if and when we announce our intention to marry.

• I will keep quiet about those issues (such as contraception, the ordination of women, abortion, papal infallibility, and the Real Presence) on which I may disagree with Church teachings. In consideration of my forbearance, I expect that you will not harp on these issues in your sermons, parish bulletins, and other public statements. 

• I will bring my children to CCD classes, and I will abide by any reasonable requirements you impose in terms of preparation for baptism, confirmation, or marriage. (In any classes that you organize for these purposes, again, I expect that you will steer clear of divisive issues.) In return I expect that you will arrange for baptisms, confirmations, weddings, and funerals for my family. Particularly for weddings and funerals, I expect you to honor the family’s wishes in designing the liturgy.

• In consideration of my adherence to the terms outlined above, I expect that you will provide me with occasional reassurances that I am “right with God.” My membership in the parish should not involve any unreasonable sacrifices or excessive demands. If you do not accept these terms, I will find another parish. 

• I will make sure that Sunday Mass does not last longer than 45 minutes. I will design the liturgy so that it is quick and light; I will try to make it fun for everyone. My sermons will be short and snappy, including a few decent jokes to lighten the mood. Don’t worry; I won’t be giving a quiz after Mass.

• I will maintain the parish physical plant, supervise the Bingo nights and the annual bazaar, and maintain close ties with the local police department so that we always have an officer directing traffic as needed for Sunday Mass, weddings, and funerals.

• I will be sympathetic regarding your marital problems. Of course it’s always best if we can keep the marriage together through counseling, but I wouldn’t want anyone to live in an untenable situation, and frankly I have a pretty good track record when it comes to getting annulments for parishioners. (If you can’t wait for the annulment to come through before your next marriage, we can handle that quietly; call my office.) If you have a live-in partner I will pretend that I don’t notice; that’s the easiest thing for everyone involved. 

• I know that some people have trouble with Church teachings on particular issues, and I do not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable when he comes to Mass. I do not plan to say things that will only make people feel guilty and deepen the divisions within the Church. We are an inclusive parish; we will accentuate the positive.

• I will not impose onerous requirements for religious education, or for preparation for the sacraments. I do think that it is very important to show young children that we value our faith, and I will give prizes for perfect attendance at CCD classes, to honor those girls and boys who have made the commitment to be there every week. But I will not give tests in CCD classes; no child should be labeled as a failure. I will administer the sacraments. (I will even be available for the Sacrament of Reconciliation—which you seem to have forgotten—by appointment, and for 15 minutes every other Saturday afternoon.) I recognize that the main purpose of weddings and funerals is to help the family through a rite of passage, so I will give family members the opportunity to choose appropriate hymns and Scripture readings, even if they are not within the Church’s tradition of material suitable for the sacraments.

• In consideration of my adherence to the terms outlined above, I expect that you will not complain about the administration of the parish, or ask nosy questions about what I do with my spare time. If you do not accept these terms, you are free to find another parish.