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Chancery Parlor Games

Last month we suggested a few innocent diversions for priests.
Now we set our sights a bit higher.

By Diogenes

So you want to be a bishop? Please fill out this questionnaire to determine your aptitude for the task.

1) You barely have enough priests to staff the parishes in your diocese, so you can’t be too choosy about selecting pastors. But at least a few pastors are clearly incompetent and will have to be replaced. Which of the following would you replace first:

• Father A has been accused of molesting a couple of altar boys. But he denies the charges, there’s no evidence, and the boys have shown other evidence of emotional disturbance.

• Father B is one of the most popular men in the town where he serves: a fixture on the recreation department, helpful with the zoning board, the chairman of an active interfaith clergy group. But he only says Mass twice a week, and there’s no sign of spiritual life in the parish at all.

• Father C spends three hours a day in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and another three in the confessional; dozens of people seek him out for spiritual direction. But he has no time left for the parish paperwork, and he has ignored routine maintenance so that the physical plant is deteriorating.

2) A young priest in your diocese was just arrested for drunk driving as he left the parking lot of a gay bar. Would you:

• Call him in for a stern talking-to about homosexuality.

• Call him in for a stern talking-to about alcohol. There’s no sense speculating about why he was on that particular scene; the one clear issue is that he might have a drinking problem.

• Call in the chief of police to make sure he’ll keep it all quiet.

• Let his pastor handle it.

3) At the Catholic college in your diocese, the chairman of the theology department denies the reality of the Resurrection. Would you:

• Tell him to clean out his desk and look for another job; he’s history.

• Tell the college president—in general terms, to avoid rancor—that you hope to see a clear affirmation of Catholic values on campus.

• Tell the college president that you’re no scholar, and you’re counting on him to make sure things are as they should be.

• Tell the college president that you want tickets on the 50-yard line for the home games.

4) A number of lay people in the diocese have complained about liturgical abuses. Which complaint merits the most diligent investigation?

• Father A said a “Halloween Mass” for his parish youth group. Everyone (including the celebrant) wore a mask, and instead of a homily they turned off all the lights, toasted marshmallows, and told ghost stories. Some parents were upset because their kids were scared.

• Father B routinely ad-libs his own Eucharistic prayers, and explains that “you need to keep changing the words of Consecration to keep up the people’s interest.” He also varies the elements, sometimes using rice cakes and sake to show solidarity with the many Asian members of the parish. A few crotchety old parishioners have expressed concerns that they’re not attending a valid Mass.

• Father C, on Ash Wednesday, used only the old formula: “Remember man . . .” The parish feminists are howling that they felt excluded.

• None of the above complaints justifies any action. You can’t have lay people telling their priests what to do.

5) Which (if any) of the following candidates should not be allowed to study at the seminary:

• Joe is 24, just graduated from the local college, where he was a 2nd-string All-American at defensive end. He was drafted by the Dolphins, but thinks he’s called to the priesthood. He comes across as just a regular guy—not particularly bright, not particularly pious—but of course he’s a huge, brawny guy, and some people find him physically intimidating.

• Tom is 18, just got out of high school, comes from a large devout family that always attends the indult Tridentine rite Mass. He’s a quiet, bookish kid, who seems very uncomfortable around women and admits a loathing for homosexuals.

• Bruce is 26, bright, witty, and affable. He says he discovered his vocation after talking—remarkably enough—with that same priest who was arrested outside the gay bar. He has a keen interest in musical comedy, and is currently working as a hairdresser.

• Prunella is 51, a consecrated religious who lives in a waterfront condo and works in the diocesan Office of Education. She says it would be good for her to keep current with the latest theological developments. Also, although she recognizes that the Church will not ordain women while the current pope is living, she wants to be ready if that changes.

6) A priest in your diocese would be in big trouble with you if he:

• Denied the dogma of the Trinity, in the name of social justice;

• Became the official chaplain for the Al Gore presidential campaign;

• Refused to attend planning meetings for the annual diocesan fundraising campaign;

• Celebrated Mass facing east.

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